Subject: Ad of the Year
Posted on May 17th, 2008 by Nigel
Subject: GORILLA AND THE REDNECK
Posted on May 17th, 2008 by Nigel
A small zoo in Texas obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee
Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the
animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but
possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he
would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
‘First’, Bobby Lee said, ‘I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.’ The
Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
‘Second’, he said, ‘She must wear a ‘Dale Earnhardt Forever’ T-
Shirt.’ The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
‘Third’, he said, ‘you can’t never tell no one about this.’ The
keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
‘Fourth’, Bobby Lee said, ‘I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist.’ Once again it was agreed.
‘And last,’ Bobby Lee said, ‘I’ll need another week to come up with
the $500.00
Subject: Light at the End of the Tunnel
Posted on May 17th, 2008 by Nigel
Light at the end of the tunnel. . .
No matter what situations life throws at you,
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem…
Remember, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Subject: Just one sheet of paper …try it sometime!
Posted on May 17th, 2008 by Nigel
Entries for an art contest at the Hirshorn Modern Art Gallery in DC
The rule was that the artist could use only one sheet of paper. 
Subject: Something to offend everyone
Posted on May 17th, 2008 by Nigel
Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation
A. A different bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office’s flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They’re hiring
Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they’re not going to work in the future either.
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.
Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, The Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once Upon a time…"
A. A southern fairytale begins, "Y’all ain’t Gonna believe this shit."
Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, Jump or swim are already in the United States ..
Subject: Barbie Dolls for the Phoenix Area Market
Posted on May 17th, 2008 by Nigel
Mattel Limited-Edition Barbie Dolls for the Phoenix AreaMarket
"Chandler Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at Chandler Fashion Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version. 
"Gilbert Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. 
"Surprise / El Mirage Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about. 
"Snottsdale Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them. 
"Apache Junction Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. 
"Buckeye / Goodyear Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Apache Junction Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home. 
"Tempe Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free. These barbies love to hang out with included protest banners on Arrow and Indian Hill. 
"South Mountain / Cricket Pavilion Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
